Who Am I Without Them?

Learning to find myself in a semi-empty nest.

Who am I without them?

It's a question I've asked myself a lot this year with my three daughters away at college, and one I’m thinking about a lot when they are home for the summer.

Who am I now? Who do I want to be? What do I do with my life now?

I'm no longer a short-order cook or a taxi driver. I'm no longer the rules enforcer or appointment maker or mess cleaner upper.

They are solving their own problems, doing their own things, making their own plans.

I’m still their primary source of income. I still plan the trips and family dinners. I still remind them to go to the dentist and help them solve a problem with a friend and show them how to set up a checking account.

But, who am I without them under my roof full-time? Who am I if not the caretaker, the decision-maker, the fun creator? Who do I want to become?

It's a question that's been waiting to be answered for a long time, and it sometimes weighs heavily on my heart.

The change between us came swift and fierce and almost took my breath away. Our relationship looks so different now.

I am now a trusted confidant to my three girls, and we're developing a more loving and fun friendship. I still guide them when asked, encourage them when needed, and step in when necessary.

I still cook when they are home and do their laundry when I can and love them hard even when they mess up—because they do mess up.

I'm discovering that watching them grow and try new things has inspired me to grow and try new things, so I go out into this big wide world and do my best to make a positive mark.

I push myself in my career because they are pushing themselves to study for theirs. I seek new ideas and insights because they tell me about their learnings. I try new things because they are constantly trying new things, and sometimes we even try them together.

Who am I without them? Sometimes I'm lonelier because I miss them, a little sad for what's changed, a little nostalgic for what was.

But I also like the relationship that we're developing. It’s different, but also satisfying.

Our roles are more intertwined now. Sometimes they still follow me, and sometimes, I follow their lead.

Mostly, however, I've found I don't need to figure out who I am without them because we are still intertwined, we are still connected, we are still woven together like the most beautiful tapestry of memories and experiences that has yet to be finished.

I am their mother, yesterday, today, and always.

But I’m also a person who loves connection, learning, and helping others.

I can lean into both to build a life I love.

How to Carve Out a New Path

As I’ve said before, the empty nest is a bit of a misnomer. If you send kids off to college or if they leave your home, they’ll be back. They come in for holidays or trips or because they may need a place to land for a bit. They may live at home while they figure out their lives. They may come home for lengthy stays like summers or to finish school.

I’ve found that these in-and-out transitions are tough sometimes. Just as you get used to them being gone, when your house is a bit more in order, and you only go to the grocery store once a week, BAM! They come back, and all of a sudden your dishwasher is running around the clock, and you have to cook dinner every night, and there’s crumbs everywhere. It’s an adjustment.

I’m not saying I don't enjoy having them home, but it is a bit overwhelming.

And it can be hard to carve out a new empty-nest life for yourself when you want to spend time with your kids when they are home.

But honestly, it’s important—so important—for you to create a life that is your own, something that fills your heart, challenges your mind, and puts you out into the world. You will always be a parent first, but you also need to pursue a life that works for you.

I’ve had to do that a lot the past year since moving to a new location where I didn’t know anyone. It’s tough, but here are a few things I’ve learned about re-building your nest so it suits you a little bit better.

1. Adopt a yes mentality. When your kids are gone, the house can feel so empty. It’s easy to wander around your home aimlessly and wax nostalgic about the time that has passed. As a countermeasure, say yes to everything you can. Go to the concerts, dinners, and book clubs. Go listen to a speaker at your library, or have coffee with a neighbor, or pick strawberries. Do whatever it takes to get out of the house and into the world in some way. It will change the way you view your life.

2. Get comfortable being alone. I discovered something this year. I haven’t spent much time by myself in my life. Like zero percent. I always had family or roommates or kids. When I moved to a new place and my husband was away for work, I thought I was terribly lonely, but the truth was I had just never been alone, and it was a big adjustment. I had to learn how to fill that time, feel safe, enjoy my own company. It took some getting used to, but now I know I can handle it. In fact, I now relish in it. I don’t mind going out to eat by myself or filling an evening of time. I can still be productive and fulfilled. While I still like to be where the people are, I’m also learning to feel comfortable simply as a party of one.

3. Focus on hobbies. With three kids practically the same age, a full-time job, and a husband who traveled, I didn't have much time for hobbies over the last two decades, and now I’m paying the price. The truth is, I don’t know how to play pickleball or didn’t read all the books or learn how to knit. I wish I had taken a little bit more time for myself during those years and developed some healthy hobbies. But I am making up for it now. I joined a book club and am reading more than ever. It is so good for my mindset. I have a bucket list of hikes I want to take, and check at least one off each month. I took a Mahjong class and try to ask people if they want to go for a walk in the evenings when my husband is not around. Filling my time voids with healthy hobbies is so good for my mind and my spirit, and I think it makes me a good role model to my girls as well.

4. Take charge of your health. I read something the other day that said, “I hope I talk about how young I feel in my 70s as opposed to how old I feel in my 50s,” and that’s stuck with me. I tell my kids all the time, “I’m taking care of myself now because I want to see what you do with your life and be a part of it.” Hard stop. This can feel like a full-time job, but it is so worth it. Eating right, prioritizing some form of exercise every day, challenging your brain, and caring for your mental health are great ways to fill your time.

5. Volunteer somewhere. This one is easy, but also easy to let slip through the cracks. We all need reminders that we are part of something bigger than us, and nothing does this like volunteering for a cause you care about deeply. Also, if you are an anxious person, like me, nothing helps reduce the noise like taking action.

6. Practice gratitude. I don’t know why, but this one is always hard for me to keep up with, even when I have the time. That said, it has the greatest impact on my mood. To keep my heart in the right place when my head is struggling, I do two things. First, I use a gratitude app called Three Good Things. All you do is write down three good things that are in your life every single day. It doesn’t matter if it’s the same three things or you find something different each day, but it is an active way to program your brain to focus on what you are grateful for in your life. It truly is a game-changer because even when you are in the most sour of moods, it can flip the switch in your brain, recalibrating it toward the positive. The second thing I’ve been trying to do every single day is text or call someone just to connect. It might be one of my kids, another relative, a friend I haven’t talked to in a while, or someone going through a tough time, but ensuring I reach out keeps my feet grounded in what’s important.

If you’ve been struggling to get your life on track during this weird middle-aged phase, I so get it. Be gentle with yourself, and know that it’s not something you can do overnight. You are building a new type of life by trying things out, and that takes time.

I’m here holding your hand as you take the first step. We got this.

Love hard.

-Whitney

P.S. I’ll be out of the office the next week or so at the World Cup (fulfilling my husband’s dream of watching the U.S. team progress through the tournament.) I’ll be back later in the month with updates.

P.P.S. If you are still in the raising-teens phase of parenting, don’t forget that I’m still running the blog Parenting Teens & Tweens. We have great content on Facebook and Instagram, and new articles from authors, experts, and parents are coming out weekly at www.parentingteensandtweens.com. Tell a friend.