Gosh, yes. My husband and I have a saying, that started very early on in our relationship. “Expectations minus reality equals disappointment and frustration.”
I guess reality can outstrip our expectations as well, but “expectations minus reality = surprise, and Joy” doesn’t have quite the same ring.
As always, I so appreciate your perspective, because it truly helps me to gain mine. I am in the thick of sending my third daughter off to college, with my oldest just returning home after graduating last winter and my second daughter in the middle of her collegiate journey. Life is about perspective and watching your children grow into who they are to be helps you gain that. Things that sent me spiraling four years ago sending my oldest off, don't even touch me now. But with a different daughter, different school, and different expectations, I am always aware that something new will now possibly send me spiraling. But much of that again, is the expectation of things to come/be. So I am learning to stop and appreciate the moments and recognize the feelings and the space, so that hopefully the spiral is short or not at all! Thank you for helping to see how our expectations truly shape our moments.
And I loved what you wrote-- "My worth as a parent cannot be defined by their every day actions, but it can be defined by how I respond to them. That is one thing that remains a constant during these young adult years." I will be using this to help me as a step into the coming weeks, months and years with these young adults. As you say, love hard!
I just finished Buckeye as well -- and I'm glad you mentioned it, because I thought to myself, while reading it, "Who recommended THIS?" : ) Now I remember! I agree with your take, though I now find myself missing the characters since I followed so much of their lives. I too gave pause (and highlighted in my Kindle) that same phrase you did about the past, as it does ring true and a good way to explain why I go there too much. Off to find The Calamity Club, keep the recommendations coming, please!
"And at the tender age of 50+, I also need to remember my kids are still evolving, so I need to maintain perspective so my expectations don’t spin out of control either." I need this tattooed in my being. I created a graphic a few years ago with a similar perspective. Do I keep it in mind at all times? Nope. The implicitly shaped expectations strive to have their say. Great post!
It is truly hard to learn that managing your own emotions always needs to come first, even when, especially when, your kids’ or partner’s are spinning out of control. I’m not sure it will ever come easy to me, and it will always be work, but I’ll never be ddone trying! xoxo
Yes. Again, this, all of this. In particular "Looking back at some of my lowest moments with my kids, I believe I felt disappointed because I thought their unexpected behaviors meant I wasn’t parenting well. I think I worried that the behavior would get worse or spiral out of control. I thought their behavior correlated to how they felt about me." Thank you, for putting my thoughts and feelings into words, again.
Loved this! Especially: "we have to remember that their perspective is still so small, but their feelings are big." 💛😊
Gosh, yes. My husband and I have a saying, that started very early on in our relationship. “Expectations minus reality equals disappointment and frustration.”
I guess reality can outstrip our expectations as well, but “expectations minus reality = surprise, and Joy” doesn’t have quite the same ring.
As always, I so appreciate your perspective, because it truly helps me to gain mine. I am in the thick of sending my third daughter off to college, with my oldest just returning home after graduating last winter and my second daughter in the middle of her collegiate journey. Life is about perspective and watching your children grow into who they are to be helps you gain that. Things that sent me spiraling four years ago sending my oldest off, don't even touch me now. But with a different daughter, different school, and different expectations, I am always aware that something new will now possibly send me spiraling. But much of that again, is the expectation of things to come/be. So I am learning to stop and appreciate the moments and recognize the feelings and the space, so that hopefully the spiral is short or not at all! Thank you for helping to see how our expectations truly shape our moments.
And I loved what you wrote-- "My worth as a parent cannot be defined by their every day actions, but it can be defined by how I respond to them. That is one thing that remains a constant during these young adult years." I will be using this to help me as a step into the coming weeks, months and years with these young adults. As you say, love hard!
I just finished Buckeye as well -- and I'm glad you mentioned it, because I thought to myself, while reading it, "Who recommended THIS?" : ) Now I remember! I agree with your take, though I now find myself missing the characters since I followed so much of their lives. I too gave pause (and highlighted in my Kindle) that same phrase you did about the past, as it does ring true and a good way to explain why I go there too much. Off to find The Calamity Club, keep the recommendations coming, please!
"And at the tender age of 50+, I also need to remember my kids are still evolving, so I need to maintain perspective so my expectations don’t spin out of control either." I need this tattooed in my being. I created a graphic a few years ago with a similar perspective. Do I keep it in mind at all times? Nope. The implicitly shaped expectations strive to have their say. Great post!
It is truly hard to learn that managing your own emotions always needs to come first, even when, especially when, your kids’ or partner’s are spinning out of control. I’m not sure it will ever come easy to me, and it will always be work, but I’ll never be ddone trying! xoxo
Yes. Again, this, all of this. In particular "Looking back at some of my lowest moments with my kids, I believe I felt disappointed because I thought their unexpected behaviors meant I wasn’t parenting well. I think I worried that the behavior would get worse or spiral out of control. I thought their behavior correlated to how they felt about me." Thank you, for putting my thoughts and feelings into words, again.