Expectations Make Everything Blurry

Parenting young adult kids means checking your expectations at the curb.

Here's the thing about expectations....they just make everything blurry.

Roughly two years ago, my daughter and I were supposed to be having a "fun last day" together. She was leaving for her freshman year at college, so we were going to run some errands and grab a special coffee. Maybe take a walk by our favorite lake after I finished some work. I was going to make her a special dinner, and she wanted to spend time with our dog.

Most of her friends left before her, so I was so excited that I had this special time alone with her. Except she hadn’t finished packing yet. And she wanted to get one last stint of hamocking in with a friend who was still in town. And she wanted to veg out a bit in her room.

I could feel the tension between us growing. Our responses were getting shorter and snappier. There were some exasperated sighs. There was some clenching jaws.

Instead of doing any of those things, my daughter and I sat in an endodontist's office for nearly four hours so she could have an emergency root canal. Good times.

But as Taylor reminds us, champagne problems.

Because I had the insurance to pay for the dental work and my job could pay for the rest of it. I knew that many are struggling to make ends meet.

Because I knew we already spent so much quality time together this summer, and I recognize that some families have lost someone they love.

Because we were still able to have a snuggle on the couch eating Panera soup, while some wonder where their next meal is coming from.

That (semi-)emergency event stopped us from spinning out of control and tempered our expectations about what these last two days should look like.

Expectations always skew reality

The truth? My daughter was having a perspective problem while packing up her things the last few days. She has never shared a room before, and was struggling with the fact she couldn’t bring everything she wanted. There were a few breakdowns over how many hoodies she could pack, a few tears over clothes, and so much stress about where her things would fit--which was code for where she would fit in this new life.

Of course, when your whole world is changing, anxiety over change often presents itself as frustration and anger. I know this well. Like mother, like daughter.

I was frustrated that she felt like she needed to bring 30 hoodies and accompanying shoes. I was anxious because she didn’t check with her roommate about a few things. I was upset that she wanted to spend her time with a friend instead of with me—which was code for I didn’t know how I would live in this house without her in it.

Instead of relishing these last few moments, where she wanted to veg out and I wanted to spoil her, our expectations were getting in the way.

Sometimes we need a jolt to put our expectations aside

Until an abscessed tooth came out of nowhere and made us realize that we were wasting the time we had left.

When we came home from her appointment, and she was settled on the couch with her favorite blanket and the dog at her feet, she said, "That totally sucked, but this is exactly where I want to spend my last night. I didn't need to do all that other stuff."

"Me too," I said.

An hour later, she got up and calmly went to her room to cull her hoodies and shoes out a little bit more. She called down and said, "Mom, you were right. I don't think I need all these clothes. I took like a third out, and that's still a lot. If I need more, you can bring them down in October for family weekend."

"Awesome," I replied, smiling up at that beautiful face I've adored for the last 18 years.

At this tender age, we have to remember that their perspective is still so small, but their feelings are big. It can be challenging to balance.

And at the tender age of 50+, I also need to remember my kids are still evolving, so I need to maintain perspective so my expectations don’t spin out of control either.

The truth is, I thought I would be better at this now. I thought I would be better at managing my expectations, my anxiety, my emotions. I thought I would be used to letting go. I thought I would be past these types of feelings.

Looking back at some of my lowest moments with my kids, I believe I felt disappointed because I thought their unexpected behaviors meant I wasn’t parenting well. I think I worried that the behavior would get worse or spiral out of control. I thought their behavior correlated to how they felt about me.

I became disappointed in myself for feeling the disappointment.

Talk about an unproductive, unending circle of bad thoughts. I did not want to give this trait to my kids.

Sometimes they just need something to literally hit them in the face, like a root canal, to bring it home for them--and also for us.

My job as a parent is to help them be the best version of themselves, but the path they take to get there has to be their own. My daughter needed to figure out her hoodie drama on her own, and I had to remember that it’s about the quality of the time we spend together, not the quantity.

My worth as a parent cannot be defined by their every day actions, but it can be defined by how I respond to them. That is one thing that remains a constant during these young adult years.

And when they make that mistake or when they make a different choice or when they are trying to manage their own emotions—which they all do—I can’t let my disappointment define them.

I want them to know that I possess an unconditional belief in them, and that every day is a learning opportunity for us both.

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. When you let them go, watch your relationship change for the better. Don’t wait for a root canal to help you understand this.

I've loved growing up with my kids. I can't wait to see what I learn next.

Walking with you,

Whitney

P.S., Big news, I finally got through Buckeye. I really wanted to love this book, but I just found it kind of tough to get through. I thought the book was well written, but the characters to me were a little tough to like so I was just hearing their stories but didn’t feel emotionally invested in them.

There was one line that really spoke to me though and I keep thinking about it. “This is why old people seem distant and distracted, he thought. We aren’t living in the past; the past is living in us. And it’s talking. We get old to be able to recalibrate everything we thought was going to be important. We get old just to hear it. It says, the days, the days, the days.”

The past keeps living within us and it’s always talking to us. Learning how to control that conversation, moderate it, and not let it define us is the difference between feeling tortured and feeling content. I’m constantly recalibrating what I thought was important. Here’s to getting old and learning to put the past behind us.

Still plowing through Calamity Club, which I’m truly enjoying, and also just downloaded This Book Made Me Think of You, which I’m excited to listen to next.

Thanks for being here.