I'm Moving in Every Direction

I'm moving in every direction, but especially the in between.

I’m moving. In every direction. Literally, and yes, figuratively.

My husband acquired a fantastic new job. With three kids in college and a challenging economy, this is amazing news for our family. I am so grateful.

But it’s in a direction I didn’t think we would be headed. After years of talking about how we wanted to relocate somewhere a little warmer than Chicago, we’re landing in Michigan, a place where I know no one, a place I know little about.

I’m working on reconciling these emotions, this change of plans. I’m starting to get excited about the opportunities, I’m starting to look forward to a new way of life. It’s just different from what I anticipated.

I’m moving. In every direction.

After years of being the center of my children’s world, I find I’m now a background player. Instead of acting as their sun with them dependent upon my light, I’m now their moon, illuminating their path when needed. Sometimes I’m full and bright, and sometimes I’m just a sliver, but they know I’m always there.

This is a new role for me, and I sometimes struggle with it. I am a fixer and often want to solve problems for those I love, but I’m finding the more I step back, the more they rise to the occasion—and that’s a beautiful thing to behold.

I’m working on reconciling these emotions, this change of status from caretaker and planmaker to supporting cast, but I’m enjoying it more than I thought I would, I’m relishing in these new relationships I have with my three daughters. It’s just different from what I anticipated.

I’m moving. In every direction.

I’ve been thinking of giving up my blog, my writing career, my social media presence. I’ve shrunk my footprint over the last year, set new boundaries, changed my approach. I am not interested in mean-spirited behavior on the Internet. I am not willing to stir the pot simply to get engagement, likes, or followers. I’m often left feeling unfulfilled even when my words fill the feeds of various channels.

This is a new feeling for me. After more than a decade of sharing my thoughts online, I’m still unsure of what comes next for me. While I enjoy connecting with my readers and appreciate the community of kind and compassionate people I encourage and support, my gut tells me I can do more good by pursuing something else.

I’m working on reconciling these emotions, this potential course change of a career I once loved. I know everyone goes through a midlife crisis. It’s just different from what I anticipated.

I’m moving. In every direction. But especially the in-between.

I’m softer and harder. More open and yet setting more boundaries. I’m expanding my worldview while limiting who I share my life with at times. I’m letting go while holding on. I’m moving in every direction while also figuring out what roots to keep uncut.

I’m working on reconciling these emotions, and I’ve recognized it’s not something I can do quickly or with ease. I’m not a fan of chaos. It’s a challenging environment for me, and I often struggle with keeping my anxiety at bay during it.

So I’ve decided to lean into the moving, the changing, the evolving. I’m embracing the opportunities in front of me and finding gratitude for the gifts my family receives. I’m proud of the work I’ve done to get this far in life, and how I’ve worked on changing my behaviors, my responses, and my perceptions of the world around me. I’m going to continue using my coping mechanisms, giving grace, and showing kindness at every juncture while calling out unsavory, unnecessary behavior that makes the world a darker place.

I am both rising up and holding fast. I am busy helping others while also learning to prioritize my own needs. I want to change the world while focusing on my own small community. I am both shifting and standing still.

And as always, I’m desperately seeking peace in a world insistent on providing more distractions, more danger, and more disorder.

I’m moving. In every direction. I’m working on reconciling these emotions—the fear of the unknown and my struggle with change. I’m starting to get excited about opportunities, the people I may meet, and the things I might get to do. I’m starting to wrap my head around who I want to be in this next chapter, the work I want to do and the life I can build. It’s just different from what I anticipated.

And while it is exhausting and scary, and tumultuous, it is also full of joy, hope, and love.

I can’t wait to see where I land.

Love hard.

-Whitney