Going More Gently into the Night

The difference between surviving and thriving.

I've been a little gentler on myself lately. A little kinder. A little more forgiving and understanding.

The last three years have been hard for a lot of little reasons, and I've spent any spare mental space beating myself up.

Why don't I have more energy? Why do I let the little things bother me? Why am I too much? Why am I never enough?

Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I sleep? Why do I get so easily frustrated? Why can't I get stuff done?

Why am I so broken? Why can't I put myself back together again?

I used to wear my toughness as a badge of honor, my ability to power through life's challenges. I was the Queen of Resilience and the benchmark for getting things across the finish line.

But lately life’s been weighing me down like the extra pounds I carry with me around my middle now. I used to be the strong one, but I have transitioned into often feeling weak and wobbly like a newborn giraffe just out of its mother’s womb.
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Most of my life, I've pushed myself to the brink, living in a cycle of busyness and burnout. Guilt always pushed me to do more, even when my body and mind said stop.

And yet, I'm always seeking more peace for my brain that never stops thinking. I'm always searching for less volatility in my relationships. I'm always hoping to calm the anxiety that swirls throughout me.

But even though I know what I should do, even though I know what I need to take care of myself, I still get consumed by what needs to get done, pushing those things to the end of my to-do list. I still always feel like a failure. I still beat myself up when I have the opportunity to rest.

A few months back, I solved a health issue I've been dealing with for the last year. One day, I woke up and I simply felt a little better. I took a longer walk without my headphones to clear my head. I chose to eat my breakfast outside rather than at my computer. I went to bed a little earlier instead of unloading the dishwasher.

I read once that if toughness is a survival skill, gentleness is a thriving skill. Toughness is often about pushing through. Gentleness is about taking the time to recover. Toughness is about enduring challenges. Gentleness is about connecting with myself and others. Toughness is short-term. Gentleness is the long-term protection of your mental health.

What did I need more at this stage of my life?

I woke up the next day and felt a little better yet again. I took a long walk and did some self-talk. I decided to forgive myself for all the mistakes I felt I had made over the last few years. And later that day, I apologized to a few people whom I'd cut down when I wasn't feeling my best.

I had some long talks with my spouse about my past. There's a reason I'm a people pleaser. There's a reason I have some trust issues. There's a reason I often worry that I said the wrong thing or will be judged. I carry this weight with me all the time, and when I'm hard on myself, my childhood comes rearing back, even at the tender age of 50+. We always have to work hard to make sure our past doesn't drown us and ruin our present.

Because life doesn't stop, I started scheduling some margin space so I could clear my head each day. I set my alarm 30 minutes earlier to make sure I could get in my walk. I blocked off some time for reading a book at the end of a day. I tried to schedule a lunch with a friend once a week. I used to take pride in my workaholic tendencies and my ability to accomplish more than others, but it comes with a price that is often not worth it.

I keep asking myself this one question: What does enough look like?

And the most significant change is that I sometimes take the easy way out. I don't beat myself up if our dinners are simple or we eat out more than once a week. I take breaks from the news when I feel stressed. I leave my phone in another room so I don't get distracted and set boundaries with people who used to bring chaos into my life.

No apologies.

And today, when I look in the mirror, I’m starting to like the person staring back at me, even if she's a little rounder, a little wrinkled, a little more weathered. She is still tough, but somehow stronger and softer at the same time.

By being a little gentler with myself, I have a little more patience for others. I'm a little kinder, and a little more understanding. I've found I can give more grace. I've found I can be the support my family needs from me right now.

And while I wouldn't say I've found the peace I've been searching for my entire life, I've definitely felt more peaceful. And that's a win.

If you are exhausted and depleted and at the end of your rope, taking the time to think about being gentler may sound outrageous. But, I'm here to tell you that it might be the thing you're searching for to turn a corner.

Sometimes you can't change what's happening in your life, but you can change your approach to it. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, and the only thing we can control is how we choose to live today.

Love your people hard. Love yourself harder.

-Whitney

P.S. I wrote a version of this post a few years back, but re-visited in this week. Sorry I’ve been absent. I just took a roadtrip to Atlanta to pick up one daughter and then to Ohio to pick up another daughter’s stuff, and then back to Michigan. Old Whitney would have stayed up late to write something just for the sake of writing to get something out there. New Whitney recognizes that it’s better to take care of myself and write when I can. I hope you can lend me that grace.